Comments on: When Dads are Jealous of Moms http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/when-dads-are-jealous-of-moms/ Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:12:27 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 By: paulhoog http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/when-dads-are-jealous-of-moms/#comment-20033 paulhoog Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:54:56 +0000 http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/?p=4442#comment-20033 As a divorced father of three, I can honestly say there was a time when I was jealous of my sons’ mother. That time was when I was living on my own and working two jobs to keep both my household and hers running, while she had full physical custody of our boys and I only saw them twice a month. Now -- years later, due to a number of issues involving her then-boyfriend, I finally have physical custody of my all three boys (gained one at a time after much patient and diligent effort) and play both mom and dad. I continued working two jobs for five years (one from home as a journalist), but because of the worsening health of my middle son, who has Duchenne’s muscular dystrophy, I recently had to cut back to one job -- which due to the recession, is now only three-fifths of a job. (Of course, while I was expected to pay nearly $1,000/month in child support, my ex-wife has thus far been ordered to provide exactly $0 -- yes zero -- for our children’s well-being.) And so my boys and I are faced with the ever-worsening struggle to balance the budget while the threat of homelessness creeps up closer on the horizon. Nevertheless, for any single custodial parent--father OR mother--I think it is essential to divide one’s time between being provider and nurturer. As a divorced father of three, I can honestly say there was a time when I was jealous of my sons’ mother. That time was when I was living on my own and working two jobs to keep both my household and hers running, while she had full physical custody of our boys and I only saw them twice a month. Now - years later, due to a number of issues involving her then-boyfriend, I finally have physical custody of my all three boys (gained one at a time after much patient and diligent effort) and play both mom and dad. I continued working two jobs for five years (one from home as a journalist), but because of the worsening health of my middle son, who has Duchenne’s muscular dystrophy, I recently had to cut back to one job - which due to the recession, is now only three-fifths of a job. (Of course, while I was expected to pay nearly $1,000/month in child support, my ex-wife has thus far been ordered to provide exactly $0 - yes zero - for our children’s well-being.) And so my boys and I are faced with the ever-worsening struggle to balance the budget while the threat of homelessness creeps up closer on the horizon. Nevertheless, for any single custodial parent–father OR mother–I think it is essential to divide one’s time between being provider and nurturer.

]]> By: TomR http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/when-dads-are-jealous-of-moms/#comment-20023 TomR Mon, 20 Jul 2009 18:46:25 +0000 http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/?p=4442#comment-20023 How are we raising our children? What are we teaching them about traditional roles and the broader implications of personal responsibility? My wife works full-time out of the house. I work full-time out of the house. We have 3 girls.. ages 12, 11, and 3. We both cook, clean, pay bills, change diapers, do the wash, check homework, coordinate sports schedules, and manage our careers. Out of the mix, we both agree that the job side of our lives is the toughest. Home life, always challenging, brings rich rewards that are simply not relevant to a job or career.. which are clearly balanced toward obligation. Life is not either/or. Work and home each come with their share of responsibilities. When a line is drawn that, in effect, says I'm doing this; not that (I stay home; you work or vice versa),, it often speaks to personal preference and not what's best in light of the family's collective obligations. It also sets one person up to be completely ignorant and insensitive to the other's challanges. How are we raising our children? What are we teaching them about traditional roles and the broader implications of personal responsibility? My wife works full-time out of the house. I work full-time out of the house. We have 3 girls.. ages 12, 11, and 3. We both cook, clean, pay bills, change diapers, do the wash, check homework, coordinate sports schedules, and manage our careers. Out of the mix, we both agree that the job side of our lives is the toughest. Home life, always challenging, brings rich rewards that are simply not relevant to a job or career.. which are clearly balanced toward obligation. Life is not either/or. Work and home each come with their share of responsibilities. When a line is drawn that, in effect, says I'm doing this; not that (I stay home; you work or vice versa),, it often speaks to personal preference and not what's best in light of the family's collective obligations. It also sets one person up to be completely ignorant and insensitive to the other's challanges.

]]> By: Dr. Janet Rose http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/when-dads-are-jealous-of-moms/#comment-20008 Dr. Janet Rose Mon, 20 Jul 2009 18:04:22 +0000 http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/?p=4442#comment-20008 Reversing stereotypical gender roles can be a great thing! What is most important is that the parents know how to intentionally send messages to their children which cultivate success, independence, heartiness, and happiness. I specialize in helping parents raise daughters, but the ideas hold true for boys as well. The her strength and success, Dr. Janet Rose http://ParentingGirls.com P.S. You can download a free copy of my new eBook, "The 7 Secrets of Parenting Girls" at http://ParentingGirls.com Reversing stereotypical gender roles can be a great thing! What is most important is that the parents know how to intentionally send messages to their children which cultivate success, independence, heartiness, and happiness.

I specialize in helping parents raise daughters, but the ideas hold true for boys as well.

The her strength and success,

Dr. Janet Rose
http://ParentingGirls.com

P.S. You can download a free copy of my new eBook, "The 7 Secrets of Parenting Girls" at http://ParentingGirls.com

]]> By: Shelle http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/when-dads-are-jealous-of-moms/#comment-20006 Shelle Mon, 20 Jul 2009 17:58:46 +0000 http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/?p=4442#comment-20006 I'm glad these men are getting this experience. I wish my son's father would see some of the stuff these men are seeing. He lost his job but he's married and while he does side jobs to help out. He seems to forget I am a single mother though - I have my job yes, and then a full time job at home also. He's never had that experience though. I'm glad these men are getting this experience. I wish my son's father would see some of the stuff these men are seeing. He lost his job but he's married and while he does side jobs to help out. He seems to forget I am a single mother though – I have my job yes, and then a full time job at home also. He's never had that experience though.

]]> By: Catherine http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/when-dads-are-jealous-of-moms/#comment-19998 Catherine Mon, 20 Jul 2009 17:20:08 +0000 http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/?p=4442#comment-19998 I am 34 and have a more traditional dad. He has his own business and is used to being in control. The business is in another state so my mom could choose where she wanted to raise the kids. My dad split his time between the business in the other state (and his mistress) and ruling the family at home. He did play with us when we were young but he also set firm rules where my brother and I did all of the indoor and outdoor work. My mother sat on her a-- and read romance novels. She did not interact with us when we got home from school. My brother and I got ourselves up in the morning, showered, ironed clothes and dressed, got our own breakfast, made our lunches and went off to bike (grade school) or the buss stop. My father slept in when home. My father would constantly ask us if we did our homework, why wren't we studying, why aren't you doing your chores? My brother and I were afraid of him. He made policy that we were to have a part-time job at all times from the age of 13 and we were to save 75% of our money for college. We had to pay for college. Am I compaining? A little. We certainly learned structure, responsibility and hard work but we also learned were weren't loved. "The work comes first" was the mantra, and so it was. The was little room for love after the work had been finished. I still grapple today with my father's infidelity (that's right, it doesn't just hurt mom) and inability to step back and evaluate the line seperating duty, honor and hard work from slavery. Yes, he provided food and shelter and until age 13, clothing but he failed to show us that he cared. My mother was too afraid of him to stand up for us so we learned she didn't care. I am still trying to deal with this. I hardly talk with my parents today except every 4-6 weeks about something superficial. We close with "I love you" even though it is a lie. I don't feel like I can interact with my 3 nieces and guess what? Neither can my father. He doesn't see them at all. Everyone loses. I have nothing but respect for fathers (and mothers) who are committed to parenting. I can only hope that parents can see the value of each other's roles and jobs so that both can be appreciated. Let's get rid of the "traditional" role for fathers as that time has come and gone. Don't be afraid to show your softer side to your sons and daughters. They need to see it. You are their male role model. Wear it proudly. I am 34 and have a more traditional dad. He has his own business and is used to being in control. The business is in another state so my mom could choose where she wanted to raise the kids. My dad split his time between the business in the other state (and his mistress) and ruling the family at home. He did play with us when we were young but he also set firm rules where my brother and I did all of the indoor and outdoor work. My mother sat on her a– and read romance novels. She did not interact with us when we got home from school. My brother and I got ourselves up in the morning, showered, ironed clothes and dressed, got our own breakfast, made our lunches and went off to bike (grade school) or the buss stop. My father slept in when home. My father would constantly ask us if we did our homework, why wren't we studying, why aren't you doing your chores? My brother and I were afraid of him. He made policy that we were to have a part-time job at all times from the age of 13 and we were to save 75% of our money for college. We had to pay for college. Am I compaining? A little. We certainly learned structure, responsibility and hard work but we also learned were weren't loved. "The work comes first" was the mantra, and so it was. The was little room for love after the work had been finished.

I still grapple today with my father's infidelity (that's right, it doesn't just hurt mom) and inability to step back and evaluate the line seperating duty, honor and hard work from slavery. Yes, he provided food and shelter and until age 13, clothing but he failed to show us that he cared. My mother was too afraid of him to stand up for us so we learned she didn't care. I am still trying to deal with this. I hardly talk with my parents today except every 4-6 weeks about something superficial. We close with "I love you" even though it is a lie. I don't feel like I can interact with my 3 nieces and guess what? Neither can my father. He doesn't see them at all. Everyone loses.

I have nothing but respect for fathers (and mothers) who are committed to parenting. I can only hope that parents can see the value of each other's roles and jobs so that both can be appreciated. Let's get rid of the "traditional" role for fathers as that time has come and gone. Don't be afraid to show your softer side to your sons and daughters. They need to see it. You are their male role model. Wear it proudly.

]]> By: Tom in NY http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/when-dads-are-jealous-of-moms/#comment-19996 Tom in NY Mon, 20 Jul 2009 17:17:16 +0000 http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/?p=4442#comment-19996 As a father going through a bitter divorce and who also has custody of our 3 young daughters, I have a profound amount of respect for any single parent (mother or father) who is able to find the right balance between work and family. Compounded with the economic situation our country is facing, I would assume there are many more families whose roles are "blurred" when it comes to who the breadwinner and who the caretaker is. In my situation, I became unemployed soon after getting custody of our children, so I was immediately able to spend a majority of the time with them and bond with them even more. Looking back, if it were economically feasible, I would much rather stay home with them than go to work any day! Yes, it is stressful being a full-time parent, sometimes more so that going to work full time. But the rewards, while mostly intangible, are worth their weight in gold. Now, as a full-time parent AND breadwinner, my vantagepoint is a rather unique one. My salute goes to all families, regardless of their particular circumstances, who put their family first, especially when children are young. Another salute, however, goes to the fathers who battle the stereotypes day in and day out and step up to the plate to be good "daddy's" to their children. The roots that are estableshed when they are the most impressionable are the ones that have the most positive effect. They can then pass these good values onto their children, etc... As a father going through a bitter divorce and who also has custody of our 3 young daughters, I have a profound amount of respect for any single parent (mother or father) who is able to find the right balance between work and family. Compounded with the economic situation our country is facing, I would assume there are many more families whose roles are "blurred" when it comes to who the breadwinner and who the caretaker is.
In my situation, I became unemployed soon after getting custody of our children, so I was immediately able to spend a majority of the time with them and bond with them even more. Looking back, if it were economically feasible, I would much rather stay home with them than go to work any day! Yes, it is stressful being a full-time parent, sometimes more so that going to work full time. But the rewards, while mostly intangible, are worth their weight in gold. Now, as a full-time parent AND breadwinner, my vantagepoint is a rather unique one.
My salute goes to all families, regardless of their particular circumstances, who put their family first, especially when children are young. Another salute, however, goes to the fathers who battle the stereotypes day in and day out and step up to the plate to be good "daddy's" to their children. The roots that are estableshed when they are the most impressionable are the ones that have the most positive effect. They can then pass these good values onto their children, etc...

]]> By: Tom http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/when-dads-are-jealous-of-moms/#comment-19995 Tom Mon, 20 Jul 2009 17:15:48 +0000 http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/?p=4442#comment-19995 Lets see here. Dads are the most abused people on the planet. We are the bread winners, are taxed to no end on our earnings, we get the short end of the stick in divorce court, then we need permission to see our children, women have all kinds of laws that encourage them to lie, cheat, and steal from their ex's. They can get us kicked out of our own homes we paid for by making stuff up about us, if we are late on child payments we go to jail or loose our ability to make a living. I don't see any special organizations supported / funded by the states or the feds that support abused men. Bottom line, there is no such thing for Equal Rights for Men. Please stop pretending there is. Lets see here. Dads are the most abused people on the planet. We are the bread winners, are taxed to no end on our earnings, we get the short end of the stick in divorce court, then we need permission to see our children, women have all kinds of laws that encourage them to lie, cheat, and steal from their ex's. They can get us kicked out of our own homes we paid for by making stuff up about us, if we are late on child payments we go to jail or loose our ability to make a living. I don't see any special organizations supported / funded by the states or the feds that support abused men. Bottom line, there is no such thing for Equal Rights for Men. Please stop pretending there is.

]]> By: clint http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/when-dads-are-jealous-of-moms/#comment-19956 clint Mon, 20 Jul 2009 15:39:39 +0000 http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/?p=4442#comment-19956 How about single dads . We pay support and now are puting in longer hours and are unable to see our children as much and may have to pay more support because of it. How about single dads . We pay support and now are puting in longer hours and are unable to see our children as much and may have to pay more support because of it.

]]> By: Dean http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/when-dads-are-jealous-of-moms/#comment-19947 Dean Mon, 20 Jul 2009 15:08:11 +0000 http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/?p=4442#comment-19947 I agree with James... a homosexual couple is not the norm and CNN again has to put "political correctness" in front of everything. C'mon guys/gals or whatever decided to place the two fathers or two mothers?? Anyway, I have owned a business while watching over my two kids the past 8 years. It is a matter of scheduling and prioritizing and it's not that difficult. Kids come first but one needs to also help financially given our economic environment. So please let's not make this out to be major issue CNN and other outlets want to make it to be. I agree with James... a homosexual couple is not the norm and CNN again has to put "political correctness" in front of everything. C'mon guys/gals or whatever decided to place the two fathers or two mothers??

Anyway, I have owned a business while watching over my two kids the past 8 years. It is a matter of scheduling and prioritizing and it's not that difficult. Kids come first but one needs to also help financially given our economic environment. So please let's not make this out to be major issue CNN and other outlets want to make it to be.

]]> By: Bob http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2009/07/03/when-dads-are-jealous-of-moms/#comment-19945 Bob Mon, 20 Jul 2009 15:05:49 +0000 http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/?p=4442#comment-19945 This is why your way of life in USA and the west is coming to an end at God's hands. Just like CNN...You have to sneek in the GAY agenday and shove it down our throats again. You had to throw in you gay couple in such a subtle way. Here is my solution for the Gay couple. The state should take the child. No gay person should be allowed to raise a child. Its against all common morality and the word of god (regardless of which religion you look through) As the word of God says....it is detestable for a man to lay with a man. For these things god bring destruction on a nation. But I am sure you laugh at the word of god. So enjoy the end of yor civilization. This is why your way of life in USA and the west is coming to an end at God's hands. Just like CNN...You have to sneek in the GAY agenday and shove it down our throats again. You had to throw in you gay couple in such a subtle way.

Here is my solution for the Gay couple. The state should take the child. No gay person should be allowed to raise a child. Its against all common morality and the word of god (regardless of which religion you look through)

As the word of God says....it is detestable for a man to lay with a man. For these things god bring destruction on a nation. But I am sure you laugh at the word of god. So enjoy the end of yor civilization.

]]>