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February 12th, 2010
06:01 AM ET

Waiting for "Mr. Right?"

Romance is in the air this weekend with Valentine's Day on Sunday. But not everyone has met Mr. or Ms. Right.

Tony's talks to the author of the new book, "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough." She says a lot of women are being way too picky. They seem to need ten out of ten qualities on their "perfect man list" to even consider someone as a potential mate.

So what do you think? Are women or men too picky these days when it comes to choosing a partner? Do you have a list? If so, what are some of the "must-haves" on your list?


Filed under: CNN Newsroom • Tony Harris
soundoff (103 Responses)
  1. L Finch

    The sick joke is that there IS no Mr. Right. But that's no reason to go marrying Mr. Temporarily Right, or Mr. Not Quite Right But I'll Change Him. What's the rush? Use donor sperm and stay focused on taking care of your career instead of trying to snag a man. Then you'll be financially independent enough to guarantee your responsibility to your future children, should you have any. Put the family law attorneys out off business. Jumping into the wrong marriages or jumping into starter marriages just to satisfy a breeding calendar, guarantees misery, divorce, and wasted prime years of your life. If you're a financially independent woman who can take care of herself and her children, you will have time to wait it out and make the right decision, the one that's perfect for you, not a book author.

    February 12, 2010 at 6:43 am |
  2. Jonny

    Late last year I got dumped, the following phrase kept running through my mind: "I was willing to settle for her! Why the Hell wasn't she willing to settle for me?!"

    February 12, 2010 at 8:04 am |
  3. Dan

    I have found my MS Right. Happliy married for 20 years (this May); however, if you want true love and commitment, whether Man or Woman, put you faith and hope in JC for all eternity. What a better time to make that commitment that Valentines weekend. He IS LOVE.

    February 12, 2010 at 9:17 am |
  4. Barbara Johnson

    If you are still looking for 'Mr/Ms Right'...You are still looking for yourself! One cannot be happy with others...until they like themselves....

    Barbara

    February 12, 2010 at 10:46 am |
  5. Juanra

    I am a guy feminist, and I must say that I am really appalled that Lori attacks feminism over and over. We are NOT anti love. We just want to make sure both men and women are comfortable with themselves and with what they want or need. They do not need to settle. A partner is not necessary to feel complete. This is not being picky, it's just being safe to not be in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship, that would only lead to divorce.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:37 am |
  6. Valerie

    If you have to have a list you aren't living in the real world. It's learning to live with each other and accepting the faults as well as the good qualities. Me and my husband have alot of differences and to me he is Mr. Right.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:38 am |
  7. Kendra

    Before I met my husband, I never thought I would get married. The selling point for me was the fact that he’s just a genuinely good person, down to the core. He’s also intelligent, caring and trustworthy.

    Kendra

    February 12, 2010 at 11:39 am |
  8. Lindsi

    Questions I ask myself when I meet a potential partner: Can he keep a job and manage his money? Is he comfortable with who he is? Does he have a sense of humor? AND Does he respect me as his equal? Too many times I have met men who either have their life "together" i.e. manage their money and are responsible, but they treat me like an object, or they are sweet as can be and funny but can't keep a job! I am not looking for Mr. Perfect... I know I am not perfect by any means. But, if you've got those 4 things going on... you are GREAT in my book!

    February 12, 2010 at 11:39 am |
  9. Michael Osiro

    ...When it comes to love or relation matters, Women are quite selective and they emphasize on physical appearance and face value. That is totally wrong because more they fall for looks. This does not last and by the time they realize what they have gotten to..It is late. I have once been ambushed by a Woman who love my accent...

    February 12, 2010 at 11:39 am |
  10. John Luke

    I don't have much of a list when it comes to finding a partner in a lady. I think that I would like to meet and live my life with someone who is nice to me and cares about me for who I am and not for who they might want me to be. But the problem is that ladies seem to want to have a guy with a job and money. Unfortunately I am on disability and have no work and am rather poor so ladies don't seem to follow up with me.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:39 am |
  11. Tiffanie F

    I'll never understand this "list" concept. It's all about the connection. You have to watch out with such assumptions; Mr. "perfect" can be Mr. "horribly wrong" in aspects you didn't look for and therefore ignored until its too late. Just because a man is funny, educated, tall, handsome, and can support himself doesn't mean he doesn't have bad qualities that are equally important.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:40 am |
  12. jasmine garmony

    I am very picky when it comes to mrs and mr right. I just want to be able to look at my mate in his or her eyes and know that there is honesty. Its very hard for me to trust someone because of things that I have gone through. They must be beautiful or handsome. With a amazing personality. I really dislike people who try and be someone else. Must have excellent table manners ....I hate smacking. And I would love someone I can spend the rest of my life with

    February 12, 2010 at 11:40 am |
  13. Flavio Parente

    Hi Tony, well i am a 34 years hold and your answer is yes, woman today is really picking and we have to be on the game or you are done!!! We need have a good job, good looking nice car if you dont have then you are completely all set!!!
    Good day man!!!

    February 12, 2010 at 11:40 am |
  14. Julia

    Well, can you tell me if it is "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Good Enough" what I want for a man to be?
    Kind, carring, and crazy in love with me?
    I think that is not too much to ask?

    February 12, 2010 at 11:40 am |
  15. Amna

    It's not smart to go down a checklist before you decide to stay with someone. Look at how you feel when you're with them; that should be the deciding factor. Love is not a procedure with a checklist that is done with the head; its alot of heart.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:40 am |
  16. Kathryn, New York

    Yes I think women are more picky these days. We are well educated, have very good jobs, own apts, have amazing friends & travel the world – why would we settle for someone who does not stack up with that? I have to believe there ARE men out there who are of a similar ilk, but they seem very hard to find in NYC! I have girlfriends who have made a conscious decision NOT to look for a man because frankly life is great already. I on the other hand, am a romantic and still would like to find real love. But I honestly don't think I can settle for someone who doesn't want to share what I have already built, and who can contribute to an even better future. I enjoy what I have to much!

    February 12, 2010 at 11:40 am |
  17. Camille

    I don't believe in Mr. Right. I think there is someone for everyone, but in this day and age; it makes it less likely to find a mate who share similar interest. In my opinion, men are more superficial than women. Women do things to appease and attract men, and mainly men tend fuel the flames. And Tony, I have a list.. A pretty basic list.

    1. Must be clean (this means bathing and brushing teeth)
    2. Must have goals and are trying to strive towards them.
    3. Must not have more than two (2) kids, no back child support issues, to criminal arrest, etc..
    4. Cannot be a registered sex offender, pedophile, etc. (I run background checks!)

    I think my list is fair lol!

    February 12, 2010 at 11:40 am |
  18. Amanda

    There is no such thing as Mr (or Mrs for that matter) 100%, so people just need to get real and see that Mr Good Enough is pretty darn good, because that's still a lot

    February 12, 2010 at 11:41 am |
  19. Teri

    I don't have a 'list' but I definitely have ended relationships that could have become marriage because I didn't think they were 'the one'. I've always felt I should hold out for someone who would complete me...why settle for someone and spend the rest of your life feeling unfulfilled? Perhaps women are settling less now than before because: 1) It's a bigger world, we aren't limited to the choices in one small town; 2) Women are taking more charge of household responsibility and income; and 3) We've learned from the mistakes of our mothers, who did settle and were unhappy. I grew up knowing I could be whatever I wanted as long as I worked hard for it, so why wouldn't that apply to relationships as well?

    February 12, 2010 at 11:41 am |
  20. Richard Shine

    I have heard lots of lists from women which include things like good hair, good teeth, and faithfulness. Sadly it sounds like they are looking for a good dog not a good man. The truth is any man can easily date a woman 20 years younger than him while women are fighting against the clock.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:42 am |
  21. Mary Beth

    I want a man who is honest, has empathy, and knows how to show love and receive it. It's not about diamonds, vacations, or how good-looking you are, it's about how you treat people and let them know you cherish them.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:42 am |
  22. Sara

    No, I think people are not picky enough these days, people are settling and in a hurry to get married. After my 7 years of such a wonderful marriage, I am happy in knowing that I was picky and refused to settle, otherwise I may have never met my one and only soulmate.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:43 am |
  23. Emma

    Some people don't understand that you can't expect someone to love you despite your flaws if you aren't willing to do the same.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:43 am |
  24. Ne'chell

    Must have infectious smile,
    a great and intellligent conversationalist
    funny, honest, and willing to go dancing occassionally

    February 12, 2010 at 11:44 am |
  25. Christine

    I have not found Mr. Right, but I am not looking either. I decided that my son (from Mr. Right-for-the-Night) deserved more than a mother who had a minimum wage job and a series of flings, so I took myself off the market and went back to school.

    When I do decide to date again, my qualifications are simple. He must have a job. I prefer ambition and intelligence. I also like a man that can make me laugh. The #1 qualifier, however, he must be approved by my son and be willing to accept 2nd place in my life. My son will always be 1st.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:44 am |
  26. Baimba Conteh

    These days women are very picky when it comes to choosing a man. Even when they get 80% of what they're looking for in a potential mate. Women still want to squeeze the remaining 20% out of him. Sometimes in life just be thankful that you have a good man.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:44 am |
  27. S. Jobe

    My first husband was killed in a car accident. After a couple of years I started thinking about dating again. I was making it fine on my own and knew that I could be happy and content on my own. But, I decided to make a list of the kind of man I wanted in my life....Godly, Christian man, someone that would love my family as if they were his own, someone to help me take care of my mom and love her, someone that would love my in-laws as their own because they are a very important part of my life, sense of humor and someone that loves camping... I prayed over that daily, thinking there was NO way there was a man that fit ALL of that. Well, I got him!!! And the best part is, my previous husband introduced us.. He made a tape of himself singing in 1983. He found the tape a month before he died (2004) and carried it to JJ to put on CD (he does audio/video restoration) and told him, "no rush". In 2007 JJ finished it (all God's timing) and we started talking from there, breakfast in Dec. 07 and married in May 08!!! A love story only God could have orchestrated!!!

    February 12, 2010 at 11:45 am |
  28. Anne Fitzgerald

    Men are more picky than women. I lost my husband 2+ years ago. For about the last year I have been looking.........and what I've found is that men want a barbie doll. They write down lists of "musts" on dating sites. Must be healthy, fit, active, attractive, etc. I haven't found a single one who wants a regular woman, a real person with pluses and minuses. And to top it off, take a look at their pictures..........what they want is looks, and their own looks are pathetic. I could cry, because I know I'll be alone for the rest of my life. When a 73 year old man wants a barbie doll he might get someone looking for a sugar daddy. I want to cry, but I have to laugh at these unrealistic "musts".

    February 12, 2010 at 11:45 am |
  29. Kim B.

    I have found my Mr. Close Enough. I realized that I wasn't going to find a perfect man, so considered whether my mate's positives outweighed his negatives, which they do. I'm not perfect either, so he makes just as many compromises as I do when it comes to our flaws. His character traits does match a majority of the things I look for in a man; a relationship with God, funny, caring, handsome, knows what he wants in life, and determined to get those things!

    February 12, 2010 at 11:46 am |
  30. Colleen

    I settled for "mister not quit right", 23 years ago. He wasn't my ideal man, but we were companionable, sharing the same interests (mostly), open minded to each other, and sex was great because there were no expectations about being perfect. Things have happened during our time together that has driven us apart, brought us back together, and just created a "it's not worth the trouble of a divorce" attitude. But if I had waited for "Mr Perfect", where would I be?Without the children that I love and possible alone, if I had found him, would it have burned out quickly, like a flame that is too hot. We can't look back with regrets or we will always questions our actions of today, but I look back and am happy with my decisions.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:48 am |
  31. Tania

    I have a list, but as I’ve gotten older, that list has dwindled and become less superficial. I am willing to settle for Mr. Good Enough, but there are traits that are important for someone to meet to be welcomed in life – Integrity, Family-minded, Christian, Respectable, Responsible, Ambitious, Educated, Committed and Open-Minded. if I can’ t find someone with the traits, I’d rather stay single.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:49 am |
  32. Craig S.

    Tony,

    You don't know how anxious I am to see this interview. I have said the same thing all along about these picky women out here. I have never understood what a man's height and swagger has anything to do with a possible "Mr. Right". What happened to judging a man's intellectual vigor and basic morals? Women are too materialistic when it comes to a man that has nothing to do with how they can potentially raise a successful family. You wonder why the divorce rates are so high these days? Simply because some women out here eventually get fed up with the bullcrap in "Mr. No Good" and those flaws supercede those materialistic characteristics that lead her onto him. There are so many good men out here that these picky women overlook, and they wonder why they get treated so bad. Where is the Love??

    Craig
    Hampton, VA

    February 12, 2010 at 11:49 am |
  33. Shweetie

    I found my sweetheart at the office. I wasn't LOOKING for love but when I first met him, his eyes sparkled and that was it. It grew on respect, trust, & a sense of humor to name just a few. I don't think anyone shud have certain expectations for his or her life mate. Cupid, fate or whatever take care of it.

    D
    Canada

    February 12, 2010 at 11:50 am |
  34. Carol

    My #1 'must have' is attraction, passion. Yes, passion can fade over the years, and it sometimes leads us to pick men who turn out not to have integrity, but it has to be there – at least after the first few dates. A sense that we have a connection that can grow into a deep, mostly positive – and sometimes even magical love.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:51 am |
  35. Donna

    I do not have a list, however i do have some "must-haves" because I am not willing to settle because I have not settle with myself. My future man must-have a pure relationship with god (same belife as me),clean teeth and have all of his teeth, hard worker because I work two jobs and take courses online, and love kids and family ( he doesn't have to want kids).

    February 12, 2010 at 11:51 am |
  36. Jackie Sheldon

    Hey Tony I am 55 years old and live on the coast in Washington State. Our area is quite depressed so it is hard to find a guy that matches my qualifications. I am looking for a guy who has....

    Teeth, Car, and a Job

    February 12, 2010 at 11:52 am |
  37. Alex

    SOCIETY & CULTURE!
    I think the problem is embedded in the social fabric. As a multicultural person, I see that in our country there is not more chivalry, men don't open the doors any more for example. But at the same time women don't say thank you when you open the door. Like if you were a door man. Women also lack eye contact and knowing how to flirt and smile.
    I do think average to attractive women go into two extremes, they either have bad taste and end up with a thugish guy who is not sofisticated or attractive or educated, or they completely are looking for that perfect guy who is most of the time too good for them. Yes, they do tend to go for guys better looking than them. But I also see that in ugly looking fat guys, wanting better looking girls than them.
    In my case as a single guy, I would consider someone average (at my same level, not a model but good looking), but it seems 99% of the time they demand better looking than me & them!
    Another big problem I see is women now days seek men the same age or younger, whats up with that? That only tells me she is planning to have fund and never get married, she is just being selfish and looking to waste her youth and never settle down with a mature man. What is it with the age phobia in the USA? It seems women are ok going for a guy 10yrs younger, but not 10yrs older. Is that insecurity or are they not thinking long commitment?
    Also, on Dating Sites, why do 98% of women never respond to emails? How can they find someone if they don't respond.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:52 am |
  38. Teri

    I didn't mention it on my last note, but I HAVE found 'Mr. Right' who is everything I had hoped for and more. He came with some complications I wasn't expecting, but they are nothing in comparison to being with the man I hoped for.

    February 12, 2010 at 11:52 am |
  39. Shelley

    I was always taught that I should just live my life and if I found someone I couldn't stand being away from, only then should I get married. Marriage is not a goal – it's simply a means to an end of being with that person. My entire family has followed this advice and everyone "married for life"...are still happily married to their (1st and only) spouse after 7 to 37 years!

    February 12, 2010 at 11:53 am |
  40. Alex

    Most important thing to consider on dating sites, is not only what you like to do, or the type of guy you are looking for. BUT WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER? AND BRING TO THE TABLE? THAT'S WHAT THEY NEED TO POST ON SINGLE PROFILES. People need to put in their profile their qualities, like loyalty, affectionate, lovable, likes to work, likes to cook, likes to clean....Does not like to Scowl her partner, she has an even personality, respectful, and lovable, etc.... Personality is the key to a successful relationship. Men do now want to be in a stressful relationship, after coming from a single non-stressful lifestyle.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:01 pm |
  41. Blade

    when i meet my wife she had 4 pages of what she was looking for. broke off our engagement 3 times. we have been married for 14 years now ans i still hear about the guys that got away. so yes i feel like she settled on me, it does not feel very good.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:02 pm |
  42. Jose M.(please don`t use my last name)

    I am old school,I believe that LOVE is real to those who believe,I was married,have been single for almost six years, have not been on one single date, things are very different now, I will date some day when I feel the time is right,I am seeking a Christian women, I have owned my own buss. since 1979, I am a General Contractor and am 56 years young, I was raised on a farm and I ride horses.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:04 pm |
  43. Sayako

    I have a list of 74 requirements for my "Mr. Perfect." I first started writing it back when I was in junior high and I've added several along the way. I know some (or most) may say its excessive- but I just know what I want. And no I have never been in a long term relationship (I'm currently a junior at college)- and my list of requirements might be the cause (or the fact that most college guys just want to get in your pants).

    But my list is not that "outrageous"- it is indeed detailed, such as # 72: He can't just be a good dancer, but be able spin me around and do dips. #34: He would let me wear his sweatshirt/jacket without me asking for it. But I think most of mine are very "basic", #1: My mom has to like him. (I'm very close with my mother and I would never date someone my mother doesn't like. Of course if I really liked someone my mother would always give him a chance) #2 He has to be ambitious,he has to be driven. (As I have hopes to go to medical school, work for Doctor's Without Borders, and hopefully even do work similar to CNN's Sanjay Gupta, I want someone who has a goal in life and is driven.) #58: He has to be polite and have good manners. ( I do not want to be with someone that chews with their mouth open, burps loudly at the dinner table, etc.)

    I'm willing to wait for the guy that would serenade me with Disney's Aladdin's "A Whole New World" (requirement #66, which actually this one guy did do).

    February 12, 2010 at 12:05 pm |
  44. Renee Clark, Atlanta, GA

    No ~ I don't think people are too picky! You need to be picky when it comes to picking a spouse! A list is a MUST! Once you make the list then you need to prioritize what is most important down to the least important! If you are in your twenties and you start dating someone and you can tell they don't have what is most important ~ don't waste years dating ~ move on ~ Find that someone with the most important qualities to you! No one will be perfect but if you want to spend years together and raise a family together ~ the most important qualities need to be there! It works both ways- women chosing men and men chosing women! I think many people don't put enough thought into chosing their spouse that is why many view divorce as an easy way out! If you both have the same values, I think it can help your marriage last even though you will have ups and downs along the way.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:05 pm |
  45. Linda Tempe, AZ

    Love the program! Great question.
    I'm now 59 years old and very happily married to a "perfect man" who just happened to be on my "Mr. Right" List. (38 out of 42 items)

    When I was much younger, just meeting a cute guy, who made me feel better about myself, seemed to be the most important trait I needed. He also "had the right genes" to make smart, pretty babies. He became the father of my two beautiful daughters (and my husband for more than 15 years). But as I grew up and matured, I realized that people (ideally) grow and change, and with it as we learn more about ourselves and our needs, we get pickier with age.

    Why settle? Make your list, be specific, and grow into the person you want to be for that someone special.

    Old saying "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it". Sometimes it's true. Find yourself first, be the best you can be, and expect the same from the one you choose to give your love to.

    My three requirements for a healthy relationship are " Trust, Honesty, and Respect"! (Treat your Sweetheart like you would your very best friend. Talk to them and honor them accordingly.) Seems to work every time.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:08 pm |
  46. Teri

    One question: Why are we only talking about women settling?

    February 12, 2010 at 12:14 pm |
  47. Linda Tempe, AZ

    Renee, Atlanta

    Right On!

    February 12, 2010 at 12:14 pm |
  48. Stephen T

    I spent 24 years as a Wedding DJ.. Trust me WOMAN ARE PICKY !!!!

    February 12, 2010 at 12:18 pm |
  49. Rita

    Finally! Women don't have to take the first thing that walks in the door and we don't have to take second best and we can wait as long as we want. its all about the benjamins. luv it!

    February 12, 2010 at 12:19 pm |
  50. Wanda

    I think women get burned a lot more often than men so they're more cautious. Men brood and "stay in the back of the cave" until they get over a woman, or not. Women get more careful but still put themselves out there and men brood. IF and when they put themselves out there, they still carry the baggage of the "being hurt" to share with any unsuspecting woman who will listen. She wants to help the poor dear, he needs nurturing and there you have it. She's stuck again unless she's careful.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:19 pm |
  51. Nila

    Ask yourself, "Am I perfect?" Then why are you looking for that perfect other? With all the shortcomings my husband and I have, we are perfect for each other!

    February 12, 2010 at 12:20 pm |
  52. Mike

    Yes women are looking for their man that doesn't exist. They go to places were most men don't hang out. They only seam to go to places were they have woman's night were very few men cab afford to pay the high prices for the drinks to make up for the free ones.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:20 pm |
  53. Jo-Anne

    Hi Tony,

    I can only speak for myself. The choice of partner is the single most important decision men and women face and it is a choice that should be made with care and consideration. My personal barometer is has this person made choices in his life that will lessen the quality of my life I want to live. If the answer is "yes" then I'll take a pass. We no longer live in a world that says you have to get married. Unless I find someone who matches my values and lifestyle then I can live as a single person and be okay with that. I'd rather be single and happy than married, unhappy and divorced which is 50% of America. What's the point of that??!!

    February 12, 2010 at 12:21 pm |
  54. benita

    Yes, I think so. I know of a few girls who find a "nice" guy but when would not consider them as husband material and yet as they are women in their late 30's and early 40's, they expect to have children when they do find the perfect man for their husband only to be disappointed by their doctors advising them that their ovaries are too old.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:21 pm |
  55. Ken

    There is no such thing as a Mr. Right, (or a Ms. Right.) Most women are just too picky. And one thing they do all too often is try and take the guy they got attracted to in the first place, and try and change him into something else. Then later you hear the sob story from her saying "What happened to the guy I fell in love with?" A word of advice ladies! Stop thinking you can change a man! If you can get past your own selfish needs and just accept him for what he is, you'll be so much happier.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:22 pm |
  56. Ed

    Tony,

    Lots of women are "too picky" as you say, but an analysis of the topic gets elaborate. Lots of women are picky not in that they want "mr. perfect" but in that they want their idea of "mr. perfect." If you investigate what "mr. perfect" means for many women, its a self-interested idea. Mr. perfect must have lots of money, usually.
    Then a lot of women's ideas of "mr. perfect" is dysfunctional and a lot of "mr. perfects" are really "bad boys" rather than truly "good men."

    February 12, 2010 at 12:22 pm |
  57. Dave, St. Charles, IL

    ..not only do women have a list. The list NEVER ends and constantly is updated as new complaints arise! Women should be less concerned about lists of qualities desired and more thankful and appreciative for qualities the men actually possess.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:22 pm |
  58. Victoria

    Tony, you are so awesome and funny. You actually make watching the news an enjoyable and personal experience. Thank you!

    Now, on to the topic at hand. Yes, we (women) are picky and we're getting pickier because we can now choose our husbands. But, what I've found is that it's all in my heart. If I listen to my heart and spirit, I will be in better shape. I've dated many wonderful men who met all of my list line items, if you will, but there just wasn't a connection. I think that what John Gray (author of the Mars and Venus series) says about there having to be a connection on the emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical levels, really hits home for me. If I follow my heart, and am true to myself, I can't go wrong. Happy Valentines Day, Tony.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:22 pm |
  59. Cynthia

    Men have lists- they may not write them down or acknowledge them but they have lists. They are looking for their dream spouse just like women are and in my experience they are much less likely to settle for less.

    My advice is throw out the lists and find someone that you can abide for more than a n ight or two. I also advise going camping together before any marriage plans.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:23 pm |
  60. Holly Garfield

    Yes, women are getting too picky, especially educated women. And they are often picking the wrong things. The US Census Bureau shows non-Black/non-Hispanic women with college educations have 1.7 children, those with high school educations have 2.7 children. Children are the future, and it is the high school educated women who are contributing to the future. And I haven't seen a college education making women better mothers.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:24 pm |
  61. Mary

    Tony: Men do have a list of sorts. At the top of the list, especially for men over 60 is that the woman often must be younger. I thnk it's an effort to make them feel younger. Mary

    February 12, 2010 at 12:24 pm |
  62. Betty Lu Long

    I listen to your portion of CNN news on a regular basis. Just before the last break (about 11:15) you reacted to some comments from staff about using male and female references, etc. - saying/inferring it was necessary to use both sexes when discussion of just about any subject.

    Your reaction, as I understood it, was that this "always include both sexes in everything" has just gone too far. I quite agree!!

    February 12, 2010 at 12:28 pm |
  63. Anderson - Greenacres, FL

    There is a list out there! it is just too long! The requirements on this list are things like, he has to make more than me, or be able to take care of me financially. There are other silly ones, like he has to be taller, funny, oh, get this, "he has to have a great body." My opinion is I think that woman are influenced by what the media is showing them to what to want from a men.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:28 pm |
  64. newsman22

    It seems as though women these days are want the men they see on T.V. A man who wakes up in the morning and just looks stunning. No crust in the corner of his eye. A man who has ripped abs and bulging muscles, or a man who has the total package(Car's, money, a house). But they don't wanna put anything into the relationship. It seems like women wanna be independent when it suits them. Every woman wants a perfect man, just like every man wants a perfect woman. But we all know that's impossible. The old saying "If u can't love the one u want, love the one ur with" is old and becoming outdated. Women need 2 stop being so picky, a perfect man is not always the right man.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:30 pm |
  65. Oscar Gomez

    this is the reason why i personally hate the movie the titanic and the movie say anything. i had a girlfriend that wanted me to be leonardo di caprio and john cusack rolled up into one person and i was sick of it. its not that you have to find mr. right because there is no mr. right any guy would say "HEY GET OFF OF THE DOOR IM COLD TOO AND I DONT WANNA DIE SHARING IS CARING!" and no guy if you dump them for another guy is gonna sit outside your window blasting a peter gabrial song, he is probably gonna soak in his own missory and tell noone about it. you dont have to settle for mr. right now either because that always ends up in divorce and even worse missory. you have to find someone who is compatible and get along with like a friend thats why women shouldnt put all men in the friend zone, that friend might become your lover without you knowing it. i hated my current girlfriend me and her couldnt be in the same room with eachother we just didnt get along at all, but we ended up going out on a date and i love that girl more than any girl ive ever dated keep your eyes open but dont expecting something from someone that you know your not going to get

    February 12, 2010 at 12:30 pm |
  66. Kay

    I am a single professional woman, 44 years old, never married, no kids, homeowner, making a very good living, financially stable, and loving life. I have been propsed to twicw and both time said "No" and I have no regrets. I know there are good men out there because I have dated many of them. I just have not met anyone that I would like to wake up with every day for the rest of my life. I do not have a list, but I like, what I like and I am in no rush to settle down. Just like the 90 year old couple that you showed on CNN earlier.. love really does not work on a schedule or time limit... Besides instead of just "settling"... like the song goes.... " I can do bad all by myself"... 🙂

    February 12, 2010 at 12:30 pm |
  67. Lauren

    If you aren't in love– don't get married!! You should be so in love that you can't bare the thought of living without them in your life.

    Never settle for someone you aren't in love with.... they may be someone elses soulmate and you'd be making a mistake only to get a divorce later.

    I found my prince, and though he may leave the toilet seat up and leave crumbs on the floor– he is perfect for me. I am a neat freak, and he forces me to become a more patient person. He has helped me relax and live my life without flipping out because the floor is dirty.

    He may not be perfect, but he's perfect for me!!

    February 12, 2010 at 12:31 pm |
  68. Brianne

    All these comments are hilarious. All the men think the women are too picky and vice-versa, but everyone is looking for something that could be defined by a list whether you want to admit it or not.

    #1: The Superficial List: If we're being honest, everyone has an ideal of what they are attracted to... (tall, dark & handsome or barbie come to mind) and these things could be "listed", but intrigue of initial attraction is the catalyst to getting to know and appreciate the other person. This is important!

    #2: The Important List: If you don't have a list of things you require in a relationship, maybe you should. Mine includes, being respectful, independent, having a sense of humor and adventure and a big heart that they are willing to share. In learning to understand myself I would have been amiss if I had not realized that these are important to me and how I want to spend the rest of my life!

    February 12, 2010 at 12:32 pm |
  69. Adrienen

    Tony – Speaking for myself not looking for the " right one" but looking for the "right relationship". Women need to let go of the movie star attitude and look at reality there are plenty of good men out there but we get so bombarded with "hollywood love" that women think in the real world that simply isn't the real deal. I rather be "poor in love and have true love" than "rich in things and money and be unhappy".Let's go back to the 30's 40's when you married because you were in love and built the foundation for everlasting love. Happy Valentine's Day.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:32 pm |
  70. Don Turner, Sr.

    Tony,
    After several failed marriges I found a lovely lady and we started dating when I was 42 and she 40. We dated for 2 years and then got married. I had bought her a very expensive ring and had planned proposing on Christmas. Well, I got cold feet, having failed at this before and things were just wonderful with us. Well, the box was the only one left under the christmas tree after christmas. We were in the hot tub new years eve with some wine and beautiful music and she suddenly said to me " You are crazy if you think I'm going to wait for ever for you to ask me to marry you! ". I was shocked and scared at the same time. I said, " wait here just a moment and went inside and got the engagement ring and proposed to her right then and there ". When she said yes, my heart has not wondered since. I'm now 61 and I am in love as much now if not more than ever before. Her exclamation was the best thing that has ever happen to me along with
    the birth of my one and only child.
    Happy Valantines Day.
    Don

    February 12, 2010 at 12:32 pm |
  71. Patrick

    Looking for mister right...this starts when women are young girls even babies... They are told by their mothers and fathers that they are princeses and that there will be a knight in shining armor on a big white horse... This is fantasy... But most if not all women are told at a very young age that this is how it will be and this is what most are looking for... Something they will never find... Some might but most men will never be able to live up to these expectations... Thus unhappy women unhappy men ... Divorce or a lifetime of loneliness...even when one is in a relationship...

    February 12, 2010 at 12:36 pm |
  72. Paul

    Yes, men have lists.....
    #1 No cankles.
    #2 Brunettes only need apply.
    #3 College degree.
    #4 Positive outlook on life.

    I was lucky enough to find a woman that met all my expectations and more and we have been happily married for 19 years............................

    February 12, 2010 at 12:36 pm |
  73. Darrell

    The fact check on the President on health care does not show the President was wrong. He said that more people THIS YEAR (2010)or maybe including 2009 got there health care through there states. The polls you guys just used were from 2007 and 2008 which has nothing to do with 2010. When you fact check make sure you check the the time periods that are in question.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:36 pm |
  74. Anna HP

    I am sorry to disagree with you Tony but my now husband, then best friend had a list of requirements his wife had to have. From physical to religious requirements. So to answer your comment,yes men do have a list. In this day and age especially, thanks to social standards set by the media, everyone has a list. I guess the wisdom lies in recognizing that we don't know what we want but have to be open to what is out there.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:41 pm |
  75. Michael

    where can i get more info about the "Classical Meets HIp Hop" story?

    February 12, 2010 at 12:48 pm |
  76. Marina

    Mr. Right is the man that makes me happy...faults and virutes included. If he makes me happy and I make him happy, then everything else is trivial. Money, looks, jobs and material things come and go in life, but happiness, chemistry and love are forever. So, if you find someone that can meets the last three requirements, then I think you've found Mr./Ms. Right!

    February 12, 2010 at 12:50 pm |
  77. Shannon Huehlefeld

    I think women should be picky. I mean look at the divorce rate! I also think they are more picky because they can be. Women are more independent and self reliant, they no longer need someone to take care of them in those aspects and I think that's a good thing. As far as being TOO picky, I'm not sure that's the case as much as just not knowing what's REALLY important. (I'm a happily married female by the way) I have friends who want them to be rich and good looking etc, superficial things that are irrelevant in the long run. The only list I had was of thing I had learned, through life experience, that I was unwilling to deal with in my life ie: drinking or drugs, not being self reliant, emotionally closed off, not selfish or lacking compassion, not narrow minded, immature, etc... We are all going to get old and wrinkly and anyone who has money can tell you that's not going to make you happy either. You want someone who 50 years from now you can stand to be with, better yet, someone who you can't stand the thought of being without. I say be picky! Just be picky about what's really important. Otherwise, why bother even getting married, who says you have to? Society? Pffft what do they know....

    February 12, 2010 at 12:52 pm |
  78. Teri

    I also find it amusing to read the comments on here....seems all of the men who have commented have been turned down by a woman they wanted who didn't want them. The women seem to be mixed, but mostly think that they have the right to go after what they want.

    Guys, seriously, I never expected my 'Mr. Right' to be perfect with 6-pack abs (which incidentally I don't really like) and perfect hair. I just wanted to find someone who was perfect for me: smart but kind of a procrastinator, goofy, likes movies, and loves me. Superficial people want superficial people, so my question is, why are you guys chasing after these women who are so superficial?

    February 12, 2010 at 12:52 pm |
  79. Sandy

    I am way more focussed and worried about finding a decent job right now than looking for Mr. Right!

    February 12, 2010 at 12:55 pm |
  80. Carlotta

    I think everyone has a list, but some are more open than others. I grew up being a bit of a 'dabbler' in many areas. Somewhat athletic, and also musically inclined. I am an intelligent 30 year old professional woman who is still single. I can't figure it out. Because I am blessed with many talents I tend to not be picky because I am very open to learning new things and enjoying life. I am also, very sweet and caring (it comes with my profession). I think in some places men tend to be pickier than women. In example, I understand that Atlanta has an overwhelming amount of more women than men. Men have so much to choose from that they seem to be less likely to settle down and more likely to enjoy what's plentiful; looking for Ms. Perfection not realizing that no matter whom you're with you'll have to open yourself to something new at some point.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:57 pm |
  81. Mark

    Why is it always "looking for Mr. Right?" Where is the discussion on "looking for Ms. Right/Perfect?"

    It makes it seem like all the women out there are perfect and don't need to work to change themselves and it's strictly in the guy's court to appeal to women.

    February 12, 2010 at 12:59 pm |
  82. Corey

    I recently found out that my current girlfriend almost dumped me because I had a preference towards organic food. Luckily she got over that.

    February 12, 2010 at 1:00 pm |
  83. Lauren

    If you aren't in love– don't get married!! You should be so in love that you can't bare the thought of living without them in your life.

    Never settle for someone you aren't in love with.... they may be someone elses soulmate and you'd be making a mistake only to get a divorce later.

    I found my prince, and though he may leave the toilet seat up and leave crumbs on the floor– he is perfect for me. I am a neat freak, and he forces me to become a more patient person. He has helped me relax and live my life without flipping out because the floor is dirty.

    He may not be perfect, but he's perfect for me!! He's my knight in shining armor... He's my Mr. Right!! I didn't settle!

    February 12, 2010 at 1:00 pm |
  84. jen

    i have found my dream man. he is my everything we share everything together and we have been together for 3 years and have not had one single arguement or a bad word. we are perfect for each other. i love you brad

    February 12, 2010 at 1:02 pm |
  85. Dan in Santa Barbara

    Easily 80% of women feel that they have "settled" because they are genetically wired to be selfish. They are a bottomless pit of selfish needs, and you have only been put on this planet to meet those needs for them. Getting involved with any man who cannot fulfill his "obligation" of serving their endless needs is considered to be "settling".

    Guys on the other hand have been hard wired to like this. Guys love working 40 hours a week just so they can spend their hard earned money on impressing them. They love being called in the middle of the night, or at work (or on dates with other women) because it makes them feel "needed". A perfect match.

    The most perfect union is between Sadists & Masochists. They are constantly fulfilling each other's needs!

    February 12, 2010 at 1:08 pm |
  86. AverageJon

    Women do indeed seem to be VERY picky these days. This is important, inasmuch as this is a person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. However, while you're busy detailing how your "Mr. Perfect" ought to be, ladies, ask yourselves a very serious question. With how awesome you want your fantasy man to be,are you sure that someone who has all of these qualities will be interested in you?

    February 12, 2010 at 1:09 pm |
  87. Louisa

    Tony,... Tony,

    I would not take a man seriously if he didn't have a list, I want him to be as focued and "picky" as I am about a mate. A list demonstrates to me a level of self-introspection and respect that is important in relationships.

    Marriage is sacred and entered into much too frivolously these days with divorce in our back pocket as a "get out of jail card".

    No, I don't expect perfection, as I am not perfect, but there are a few serious dealbreakers on my list; faith, fidelity, and fun!

    February 12, 2010 at 1:23 pm |
  88. Jose M.(please don`t use my last name)

    The times dictate the way we LOVE,most men and women are to into themselves and really don`t know what unconditional LOVE IS, know what LOVE is, then throw away the list, to both men and women,PEACE...

    February 12, 2010 at 1:26 pm |
  89. Kimberly

    My bottom line criteria: #1) He must respect me! Because even if the love fades, respect can ensure a reasonable dissolution or perhaps see us through to love again. #2) He must have forward momentum in his life. Some kind of goals that reach beyond where he is now. Ambition. Not crazy, single-minded ambition, but be building toward something. #3) Core characteristics of integrity and human kindness. Don't want a push over, but someone who is generally kind to people–treats a waitress, maid or drive-thru worker just as kind as he does a CEO. I really dislike people who treat workers in the service industry like they are less than them.

    February 12, 2010 at 1:30 pm |
  90. Lizzy

    I think the reason people seem so shallow when they talk about physical qualities, is for a fair reason... The quality "must be physically attractive" simply means – if you're not sexually attracted to him/her, then he/she could be perfect in every other way (personality), but all that would amount up to is a really awesome friend who you still don't want to see naked.

    I'm not saying that you have to be a model to be attractive to a mate– beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and everyone has different ideas of what is 'hott'.

    Some girls like heavy set guys- more to love! Some girls like meat head muscle men that aren't the brightest bulb in the pack, because they find it adorable. Some girls like skinny scrawny pale goth guys....

    My point is, there's someone for everyone, and when you find your soulmate– he or she will rock your world!!

    February 12, 2010 at 1:30 pm |
  91. Margaret Simms

    I've been happily married to the same man for almost 40 years. He floated up to my feet in the shorebreak at Pipeline beach (on Oahu's North Shore) where he was living at the time. Our eyes met and the rest is history. I never went looking for a man, nor did I ever consider a ten-point list of requirements. Women (and men, for that matter) should just let it happen.

    February 12, 2010 at 4:26 pm |
  92. leonora atienza

    If you think you heard all the stories about Toyota, listen to our story.
    We live in Fort Yukon, Alaska a small village not accessible by land.
    It cost us $3,000 to bring a vehicle in Fort Yukon from Fairbanks. It is because of this reason that we bought Toyota Tundra truck 4×4. We do not want to have problems with the truck at least for the first 3 years, we thought.The first winter and the next and this year , the power steering keeps drying up even though we have replaced the hose which we thought might be the problem. Then we got a letter from Toyota in January, 2009 about the "front suspension lower ball joints safety recall". It says that the model we bought, quote " the front suspension lower ball joints may experience excessive wear and looseness causing increased steering effort, reduced vehicle self -centering, and noise in the front suspension.

    Since our village is very small there are a lot of things not available to us including auto mechanics. Fairbanks is the closest dealer to us. I talked to the office manager, Darlene Mitchell about our situation because it will cost us $6,000 roundtrip by barge to get this problem fix. I asked if they will help us pay at least half of the shipping fees, or send a mechanic to Fort Yukon to fix it. She said Toyota is not going to do either and that it is our responsiblity to take the truck to them to fix it.

    We still have the problem as of this writing. I thought I will share this to you because a lot of villages in Alaska are not accessible by land.

    February 12, 2010 at 5:39 pm |
  93. Pat

    I understand the stimulus plan has a credit for taking care of elderly parents, and I'm not at all sure how to go about getting any info on it. I know I should have e-mailed Josh, but couldn't. Could you steer me in the right direction? Thanks

    February 12, 2010 at 6:34 pm |
  94. sue scott

    Perhaps if people were more-picky about 'friend-relationships they'd learn more about good relationships...then perhps we'd have less divorce...
    susie
    ewa beach,HI
    P.S. Silvia Brown's son, Chris, siad I'd meet a Greg this year, 5'9",brown hair...maybe tomarrow...oh, no, he sid I'd meet him casually at a restraunt...on the mainland and I'm in Hawaii...be back to let you discover me in May Greg;-)

    February 15, 2010 at 2:21 am |
  95. KCHU

    As a female, I personally think, YES sometimes we are too picky. But at the same time there is a reason for that! For example, some of the must haves on my list include:
    – responsible
    – mature
    – a strong passion for God
    – being able to lead me spiritually (I am a Christian)
    – can take up the role as the Head of the house
    These qualities are actually not hard.. but it's hard for a Christian woman to find one in society these days. We have to be picky.. these 'must haves' determine the stability and foundation of the relationship.

    February 15, 2010 at 3:44 am |
  96. Holly Garfield

    Are the picky women making themselves desirable to the good men? And are they picky about the things which make a man a good husband and father? I'd vote NO on both questions.

    February 15, 2010 at 12:32 pm |
  97. ed

    They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The same goes for "perfection." What is "perfect" in a relationship is what is "compatible" to a particular person, not in general for anyone. So its "Mr. Perfect" in relation to what life level a woman is at. So the term "perfect" is not "absolute perfection" but relative perfection. In that sense, what someone considers "perfect" may not be "perfect" in an absolute sense and may be considere by others as rather "imperfect."
    Then there is "unrealistic" perfection, which is totally disconnected from reality. Here we get into the stuff of "fantasy" and "illusion." That's why it is important to be true to the truth and not be an idiot when it comes to relationships.

    February 15, 2010 at 12:32 pm |
  98. Lucia

    Sure some women are picky. I know I am – all I want is an honest, hardworking man. We need to learn to work as a team, understand that we all need our space, and that we all have bad days. We need to see our faults and warts and learn to accept them.

    February 15, 2010 at 12:34 pm |
  99. Hank 66

    I would like to find one without a STD! if you think I'm kidding, I'm not. I wish I was.

    February 15, 2010 at 12:46 pm |
  100. Lela

    I don’t think all women want men to be perfect because there is no such man or woman. I know that we want honesty and faithfulness above all to keep our confidence and security level high. And there are some men who make women lose confidence in them by not remembering them and then expect not to hear the backlash. My so-called boyfriend did not call, come by nor answer my calls yesterday. This came after I found out two weeks ago that he has been meeting up and contacting other women on sex social networks. He apologized and swore he did not meet with them and I forgave him but yet he was incommunicado on Valentines Day. So what am I supposed to think about Mr. way less than perfect?? I think it could be the maturity level also.

    February 15, 2010 at 1:18 pm |
  101. Jean

    I missed your program on Romance – Valentine last Friday. Are women picky? The question is are men picky or are they not over-picky and expect too much out of women in addition as "married men" of all wanting to live as if they are still single. No one is perfect. However, if a man expects perfection from a woman, he, too, must be perfect. We cannot teach an preach what we are not and are not willing to practice it. Many men expect too much from their wives/women and do not give as much in return. This is the result of numerous separations and divorces in this era. So much could be stated about that. I would love to write a book on this matter. It is said, if one marries, ensure that the partner is capable of fulfilling the position of "The Queen" or "King".
    We have one good example in this era of the year 2010, President Obama and his wife Michele Obama. People should learn from them. They are sincere about their marriage and attitude towards each other.
    Finally, treat others as we expect them to treat us. There is no other way to genuine happiness, peace of mind and harmony between people.

    February 15, 2010 at 1:30 pm |
  102. Edward

    The problem with "romantic love" is the engrained idea of "fairy tale" love. This "fantasy" idea of love is glorified in novels and soap operas, together with the "dark side" of imagination and fantasy, that is, the intrigue, passion, and self-centered dramas. This idea of "love" is hardly realistic and bound to create heartache. Many persons ideas of "Mr. Right" or even "Ms. Right" are imbued with these unrealistic fantasies.
    These fantasies create blind spots. Better to be level-headed about "love" and look at the truth and reality of people. No relationship is 100% perfect and the stuff of fantasy, and even when a relationship is "very good" it is because there are a majority of compatible elements, say 80% or so. Also, "Mr. Right" is not a commodity. Women have to ask themselves not only what they really want, and be honest about it, but also what they bring to the table in a relationship. There are so many layers, personal psychology, and societal. People pick up sick ideas of romance and love from the world around them, e.g., notice how so many "good looking" women are hooked up with "rich men." Analyze the culture behind that...

    February 16, 2010 at 2:51 pm |
  103. Barbara,TX

    Well all you well wishers will be just waiting.You don't and will not know right if he fell from the sky and landed in your home.. Most people views are just like the view they take on the President. You have Mr. Right (the president ) but most rather believe lies and deceipt rather than truth. That is why so many are starving for a relationship. Change for the better person struggling to make things better for all with caring and honesty..Give that person a chance to help right the wrong on all the past bums you let in your life..This take tine but it start within YOUSELF.....You will soon find your Mr or Mrs Right.

    February 17, 2010 at 12:51 pm |