From Producer Vish Mapara
Hundreds of millions of people around the world are on Facebook and use it to connect with friends each day. But one New Jersey pastor says his married church leaders (about 50 people) should stay off the social networking site… or find another job. He believes the site is nothing but trouble for married people, and provides too much temptation to reunite with an old flame or meet a new mate. So we wanted to know what you think. Should married couples avoid Facebook, or is the pastor going overboard? Kyra will read some of the responses during the 10am ET hour.
This pastor seems to be antithetical to spiritual warfare.
He says that facebook allows a relinking with the past, but isn't that what religion does as well?
He says things in the past should stay dead.... What does he think about fundamental religious ideals from thousands of years back?
This pastor sounds like he has something to hide, or at the very least afraid of...
I am a christian, happily married for over 20 years; however, I must disagree with this pastor. If he thinks facebook is a problem for married couples, what about the temptations from the internet in general? How about adult channels on tv, where could that lead one?
How far is this pastor going to go? It's a choice, as is everything else in life.
Facebook isnt bad for marriage it may be a small distraction to marriage but not as large as the night club down the street or the Avon lady coming by when the wife's gone or the appliance repair man coming by when the husband's gone falling out of love is what is bad for marriage and loosing your faith in god .
I agree with everything Rolland said .
I don't think facebook will destroy a marriage. If you are not absolutely committed in your realtionship, Facebook is the least of your problems. If you are going to have an affair, none of these social networking sites are to blame.
This pastor needs to get real. Don't get me wrong. I am a Christian and grew up in Church. I don't think Facebook is the issue. Regardless of your beliefs, temptation is everywhere and has been around since the beginning of time. This pastor is just trying to find a scapegoat and something for people to point a finger at. I completely disagree with pastors like this guy trying to control what/how/when his congregation does things in their lives. If it was me, I would leave the church.
The pastor is a man of little or no faith at all.
After my husband went to his 30 year reunion, he was in awe over one of his classmates. I picked up his Ipad and he had not logged out ot his FB account. He had sent a private message to the obsession....
He got busted and he says he closed his account. Cheats will cheat whenever or whereever they get a chance. This is second cheat I have been married to... says something about me.. Right?
WOW!! Roland hit it on the head! There will ALWAYS be temptations, if you think ridding someone of the temptation is the answer, then you are fooling only yourself. It's like being angry at the the temptation...it (or she/he) didn't betray you, your SPOUSE did! Put the blame or trust where it belongs, between you and your spouse. Trust, faith and love can overcome ANY of thses temptations!
if any thing is bad for marriage, it is churches telling you what is bad for your marriage. LOL if facebook will be the folly of your marriage, wait till some one walks by the underwear section at walmart.
i agree with the reverend, if you are tempted by facebook you are being tempted elsewhere and you need to look at your relationship,,,
that lead into the next segment is marriage really necessary:::4 in 10 say no, i agree with the 40%.
prior to marrying my wife i had been previously divorced and was quite jaded with marriage, i was very much in love and told her that i wanted to have kids with her and that to me was a much larger commitment than marriage. "you get my drift" ...
First off if you have a job that your employer threatens your employment because of what on line social network you belong to, then you should get another job. If your marriage falls apart because of Facebook, then your marriage was in trouble to begin with. My wife and I both use Facebook, and have found it a wonderful way to stay in touch with old friends whom we have not seen in years and an easy way to keep current with relatives by sharing photos and information on what is going on in our lives. Like all online social networking sites, you have to be very careful of information shared, always be aware of saying too much, but to have your lively hood threatened by your employer for being a member of any social networking site should be against the law.
Facebook can definately lead to rekindling of old flames, its a lot different from texting and email.
While I agree that more temptation is available, and I have seen two relationships break up over such situations, I do not agree with the pastor. There is either some other reason in the marriage for that opening to be available, or one or both members of the relationship are not as committed as they need to be.
There have always been affairs going back as far as time, and they didn't have facebook. Between work, internet, bars, beaches, even church there are going to be situations that could bring about tempation. It is more a reflection of the character and integrity of the individual than it is the medium that it happens with.
Besides, didn't Jesus say to go into all the world and preach the gospel? Well, on Facebook that is possible without even leaving your house. Just my two cents.
This is the Dumbest thing I've ever heard!!
NO one should ever be forced to leave a social network out of fear or threat of infidelity. Take responsibility for your own actions. Facebook can or will NEVER cause someone to cheat or break up a marrriage. You are responsible for your OWN insecure and promiscuous behavior.
Learning to live a good life with strong morals and faith means making the correct chooses and taking responsibility for them. So use social media with your morals intact or face the consequences
I am a married committed Christian who uses Facebook. While it is true that temptation is all around us, each person is more vulnerable to certain temptations while others are not. If Facebook is a temptation for someone they should not use it. I think the pastor is right by guiding his leaders not to use Facebook since they are obviously having trouble dealing with the temptation. The Bible tells us to flee temptation.
Roland Martin was right. You must let your mind govern your passions. I made a commitment to my husband. I can look at others (I'm not dead), but that's as far as it goes. Facebook is not the problem. I have reconnected with old flames, but never even flirted with them. My husband made comments one night, and I said, "If I was going to marry him, I would have done it in college." If you want to play the field, that's fine but don't get married. And don't bother me.
Facebook is a new opportunity for tempation and some people who doesn't have strong principles will fall into it. This is something that we didn't have 10 years ago or 20 years ago, when a person at home was at home and could at the most phone somebody. But now the internet and Facebook are available at all times. I have been affected by Facebook directly and am in divorce proceedings. However, I don't agree with the pastor. He should be indicating to just to say no when there is a commitment. Facebook wil continue to grow and we cannot live ignoring it, but we can discipline ourserlves, and religion can help.
I am an engineer and my workplace does not allow FB anyway. My wife of 14yrs and I decided we will never have FB. We have seen friends marriages gone done the drain because of links to the past on FB.
It is not facebook, or any other site, it is peoples hearts. I do agree that if connecting with your past on facebook, will lead to temptations, such as old flames, etc, then yes you should stay away....but that applies to anything, anywhere. It always boils down to the persons heart and intentions.
Monogamy is a choice. If you have decided to remain faithful to your spouse, you will. Connecting with other people through a social network of any kind will not change your decision. I know people that have met someone from their past and had affairs. The social networks involved were Facebook, work, school groups, and church groups. In most of these cases, this was not the first affair they had.
Social networks are irrelevant to infidelity. If a person is going to have an affair, they are going to have an affair.
Yes married couples should be ware. I put my husband on facebook and the old highschool women came out of the wood work. It is tacky to call on the phone after all these years but it seems they feel facebook is fine. My friend lost her husband in 6 days after he was contacted by old friend on face book. They shocked community the perfect family a great dad no one saw it coming. My grandma said there are women out there that can make a man do things he never thought he would do. ps husband does't know he is on facebook i'm proving a point with these women. If you're going to get on facebook do it as a couple with both names on same page that's what i tell my married children. Might save a lot of marriages!!!!!!
I agree with Roland Martin. While Facebook can be a potential threat to marraiges, the Pastor is out of line telling his leaders to get off of the social site or resign. There are temptions everywhere we go. What was people reasoning for aldultery or divorce pre Facebook? It seems as if Facebook has become the scapegoat for our indivdual flaws and inappropriate actions. People need to have more discipline and self-control. Know your limitations and boundaries and operate within them. Othewise you are the reason for a failed marriage, relationship, etc.!
BTW I love your show Kyra!
That pastor is going too far. Facebook is not to blame if someone cheats. I'm a married woman on Facebook, and I've never cheated nor been tempted to cheat on my husband.
All social contact can lead to temptation. If there is a specific individual that is tempting a married person to cheat, that person has the responsibility to limit or cut off contact with that individual, but it's ludicrous to cut off ALL social contact. That would actually lead to a less healthy marriage.
Most temptation aren’t planned; this is why it’s called, a temptation – And Roland should understand this.
However, Face-book is a way to open yourself up to temptation; like clubbing.
We have to work outside the home and we have to interact with one another; shopping centers-. However, it’s where you choose to position yourself that makes the difference. A married woman should not be discussing personal, intimate or history of any kind with another man; besides her husband. It’s simply a crafty way to connect and flirt. And it’s a forbidden connection; when married.
Face-book is a great tool though, it’s often used as a corrupt weapon.
Personal and intimate pictures are exchanged- bringing back memories- which will soon lead to a lust of some kind, leaving a broken marriage-Guaranteed!
People who are going to cheat are going to cheat, they do not need Facebook. It used to be the same thing was said about women in the workplace.
Again, it happens, but it would have happened anyway if people are not satisfied in their marriage.
Anyone that visits my Facebook page would be bored to tears about what my friends and I talk about – our husbands, our dogs, our jobs, whatever projects we are working on around the house, kids, and when someone is ill or had a care accident, lol. Oh, and politics – yeah, a real hotbed of bad behavior!
The Pastor is a Leader; of a flock and he has the right to teach. Just as a supervisor of employees has the right to manage. Most people do not read the Bible to understand what sin is. And this man is simply doing his job- Teaching and Preaching.
Lust is a sin- and most people are using technology (Face-book) as an easy way to step into it.
My spouse cheated on me using Facebook, and i think that it makes cheating just that much easier. Facebook does make it easier for an unhappy spouse to cheat by allowing them to network with other unhappy spouses that they would not have contacted any other way. I do have a problem with the church telling people what to do, it misses the point all together.
The pastor's tyrannical managment of his staff is distasteful. He is definitely attacking the symptom/surface issue of what he sees as a problem in his church. Facebook is an easy scapegoat since many people consider it to be the most popular social networking site.
Blaming facebook for failed marriages completely glosses over the real issues that are at the core of the decline of marriage in this country. This pastor should be preaching to personal responsibility and integrity. Making facebook the scapegoat is as ridiculous as saying, the devil made me do it.
Affairs don't just happen, they are the result of many small, bad choices to step across the lines of behavior that fidelity demands of us. Temptation is all around us, everywhere, every day. The answer is not to remove all temptation, but to build a marriage that is impervious to it and having the character to recognize when we are lying to ourselves about what is appropriate behavior.
The real problem with marriage in this country is the way we have romanticized the courtship and ignored the real need to teach young people what it takes to be successful in a long term relationship. What most people consider to be love, is no more than the chemical reactions our brains make to encourage mating or perpetuation of the species. The real building blocks of a successful marriage are mutual respect, integrity, and loyalty. Marriage is hard work, but as a society we have reduced the idea of it into a two hour movie.
Hello everyone, 1st of all, How is Facebook to blame in "Failed Marriages" and relationships when the problem is in the relationship itself not a web site, when a marriage or relationship has trust, honesty, and that strong bond of love NOTHING can tear it apart. I just think the Pastor is going way too far, What's he going to next take away their Cell Phones? Take away everyones Internet? Shaking My Head
Over-zealous pastors... We've seen this before with rock and roll and dancing. Is social media becoming the basis for "Footloose 2"?
Facebook is but one medium in a world full of ways to interact with others. To ban it for married couples is the first step to a solution originally offered by a nursury rhyme: locking up your spouse in a pumpkin shell.
I think this pastor's argument actually may be convincing to some in the toddler demographic, but it doesn't have the logical fortitude to carry water in the real world of grownups.
That being said, if one is in the position of elevated moral visibility, like any pastor or church leader, avoiding ANY hint of impropriety is essential. Of course, that is an entirely different issue than marital maintenance. Demanding that all church staffers flee Facebook or resign is way too draconian. Are cell phones next on the ban list?
Religion is all about relationships. Any technology can be used to beneficially further how we relate to each other. Like medications to spray paint, technology can also be abused.
In terms of marriages and Facebook, my own pastor and his wife share an account. If one is a church leader, that seems to be a nifty compromise.
For the rest of us married couples, let's just remember to thank God for our spouses every day. When we keep ourselves focused on why we got married in the first place, temptions walking in via Facebook, or any other door, will remain inconsequential.
This pastor will have to go even further and stop his congregation from using the internet, TV and business lunch meetings with the opposite sex. He will have a new job description adding private investigator to the list of his duties. What he is missing is setting the foundation of living a good marriage, then these people will think before they act on temptations with these sites. He is focused on the symptoms a bit too much. The internet can be used for good and really bad; same goes for TV's, Cell Phones, and business lunches, dinners and travel. He should focus on presenting foundational solutions that will teach people about having a healthy relationship rather than trying to tell them what they can and can't do. A pastor is not a dictator he is more of an spiritual advisor, the choice is always up to the individuals that he leads to follow his lead.
FB being blamed for failing marriages is ludicrous - the blame doesn't belong to a website, it belongs to your spouse with a wandering eye. If it wasn't FB it'd be a bar or the gym or some other venue. If people spent as much time working on their marriages as they do trying to find someplace to lay the blame other than where it belongs (on the cheater you said "I Do" to!), perhaps this wouldn't be an issue at all.
I think that for him to say that if the couples in his church use FB then they need to leave means he has missed the point of 'church'. What happened to come as you are church? Is he saying then that yea its ok to cheat just don’t do it on FB. If someone is going to cheat than they will find another means of doing so. To put the fault on a .com social network is crazy. He needs to focus on counseling his members because clearly that is where the problem lies.
I agree somewhat with the reverend; not that Facebook is a cause, but that it allows communication with 'remembered' romances and, since the fantasy laces that communication, the communication between spouses is diminished. An unhappy spouse, instead of talking through the problems with their significant other, talks to a remembered love who will not necessarily tell them the truth, but build their egos and tell them what they want to hear.
Its not a point of cheating itsa point of old flames or just people in general trying to cause problems, they see your house yours car(s) and they get jealous.Then folks just cause a lot of drama.People dont want to be impressed anymore they just want to cause problems,yes facebook is bad for married people.
Facebook is what you make it. I have been on facebook over a year as a single woman and only keep friends and family to connect with. My mother is always trying to fix me up with facebook dates. We all find it amusing. This pastor needs to wake up and not make excuses. Facebook is a good thing.
The pastor is way off base when saying anything that was "pre Jesus" needs to stay buried and dead. What a crock! Christians are to reach out to the "unsaved" and spread the good word. Not just the people you meet "post Jesus" but to everyone. What if that one person from your past hears your testimony and it changes their lives? No, Facebook is not to blame. It is a tool and like any tool it is as good as the intentions of the user.
My husband and I have a facebook account together. I feel this is a great way to do it!
My husband and I watch with amusement concerning this story. Just because there is "social networking" available to people, it does not mean that someone will automatically run wild.
This reminds me of the 50's when rock & roll came out, how it was the devil's music and if you listened to it you would go to hell.
These people are adults! If they have a wondering eye, then there is something wrong in the marriage to being with.
If one is blaming social networking for the breakup of a relationship maybe when they say that they should be looking in a mirror and take a long hard look at themselves.
If I was a member of this congregation I would just leave it. The pastor needs to do some growing up also!!!!
Facebook is a temptation, period. I waste a lot of time on the site, and if I could figure out a way to stay connected with the poetry world online and disconnect with FB, I'd do it. I'd accomplish a lot more with my day if I stayed focused on reading poetry, writing, and other obligations.
Telling someone she can't engage in an activity such as social networking will only tempt the person to go about the activity in a secretive way. People create "handles" and network on the sly.
The truth is that fb can be used for that which is good. If a man or woman is tempted to do that which is unrighteous what can they do? Well first of all a Christian being tempted is not a sin, Jesus himself was tempted in all points as we are yet without sin. It's giving into the temptation which causes it to become sin. Sin comes from the heart. God see's a man or womans heart!
Love & Blessings
I believe that personal integrity is the main halmark of someone in spiritual leadership, integrity towards the Lord, their spouse, in the home, at work and in the church.......Facebook isn't the cause of marriage infidelity but if it is in your heart to compromise, then that will be evident whever that person is. I find Facebook encouraging and stimulating and informative....and if used probably can be a tremenduous blessing.......Blessings
Thanks for putting my comment on the air. I was so excited that iI called my husband and told him he thought it was funny. So I guess the cat is out of bag so to speak. But it is true none of the women that have tried to be his friend on facebook have ever called the house to just say hi. So why do they think it is okay to talk on facebook where possible his wife wouldn't know. The reverend should tell the members that they have to share a facebook page so both can look at it together. We live in a very rural area and you wouldn't believe the marrages that are breaking up over facebook. There is enough temtation out there but here if you cheated in person chances are your neighbor would know but not in the privacy of facebook with someone miles away.
Anything can become a tool for abuse from television to facebook. Yes it is very tempting not to look up old flames on facebook. I am an Associate Pastor and yes i have looked up some of my past loves. Not to rekindle a relationship but to see how life has taken them. so I agree with the pastor saying Facebook should be deleted by couples facing marital problems. If one has the tendency to stray then facebook will help you get there. If you enjoy reconnecting with lost friends and family facebook will help you acheive such. Some people have a weakness with alcohol and must avoid it at all cost to maintain control. Facebook is no different. If you have a past being a cheater, you should probably stay away from Facebook. One must be honest with themself, if Facebook will present them tempatation they have a hard time controling.
I love facebook and still plan to have a profile for now but it has ruined 2 of my relationships and has definitely put strains on friendships as well. normally I do not allow relationships to be a part of my page. Against my better judgement I recently added my fiance of 2 years on my page.... within 24 hours we were broken up. My suggestion is that if you plan to have a page and include a serious partner or spouse, share your passwords and make it open so that it does not allow room for suspicion or a place for mistrust. Facebook can be a wonderful tool to connect with friends and family. That being said it can also be facilitator of bad behavior ..... even the suspicion of something can ruin a relationship.
I don't use facebook, but if I did, I think what I do on my own time is my business – no one elses. I don't think any employer has the right to tell their employees what they can do at home.
I agree that Facebook can create an avenue of extreme temptaion for married couples as well as individuals in normal relationships. However, I think a reasonable solution for married couples could be for them to shut down their personal facebook accounts and create a "Fan" page or a joint account. The fan page would allow for you to share mutual friends and hopefully eliminate the distractions from your past.
My ex cheated with women he met at church. Perhaps this minister should forbid married people from attending religious functions?
I am in contact with a couple of old boyfriends. We honor their marriages and their wives are welcome to read every word we've written to each other, because we don't flirt.
My wife is obsessed with Facebook. She is absolutely addicted to it and it has affected our marriage. She will share more things with people on FB than with me and our children. I asked her if I needed to 'Inbox' her to find out whats happening in her life. Their is definitely a problem with our communication but it seemed to widen when she got a FB account.
Unfortunately, Facebook is only one of the devices that contributes to the break-up of marraiges. People spend so much time on the computer now-a-days that they are ignoring their spouse and marrige. What folks haven't figured out is that marriage, like anything else takes some work and spending quality time with one's spouse is half the battle. Too many people would rather spend time in a room alone at the computer instead of carrying on an intelligent conversation and connecting with their spouse. So they look to other sources to fulfill their own unhappiness, (TV, cell phones, texting). These are all ways to either escape reality, or to avoid having to deal with the people we live with. When a person is happy in their marriage, enjoying, respecting and loving their marriage partner, there is no desire to look for someone else to connect with. Temptation is all around, not just Facebook......but we each have the power to choose......
I do not agree that Facebook is the cause for concern. As with all things technological in my married life, my husband and I have seperate accounts but complete acces to those accoutns. This goes for email, texting, phone, whatever. The question is not one of facing temptation, because we do that everyday. It is a question of trust between us.
That being said, I am a Christian. I do understand where he is coming from a tiny bit. I have ssen similar things happen. I am of the mind that if you are out looking for trouble, you will find it.
Relationships must be strong enough to survive all challenges and temptations. I believe the real issue here is the amount of time that a spouse may spend on a social networking site. In our busy society we need to make sure we are spending quality time with our partners.
A year ago I would have said NO WAY. As I get ready for my marriage counseling appt. this morning I say he's DEAD ON! As a stay at home mom with a husband working long hours I turned to fb to pass the time. I did NOT have an affair, but I became too attached to the 'attention' in general provides. It got to the point I felt the need to know what my 'friends' were up to and what was going on with them more than my spouse. Does this mean I'm a weak person, YES! Fb, like most other things, is moderation is fine, but it can spiral out of control if you are not careful. I do not fully blame fb, I blame myself, but what happened happened all the same!
"Thou shalt not" is a form of suppression and never in the history of human nature has it seemed to have had a positive effect. Perhaps mankind would benefit from working toward learning, promoting and working with healthy ideas and feelings.
Jesus said it and now quantum physicists are saying it. It doesn't matter whether the focus is positive or negative, what you dwell and focus on is what you become. You know, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is" and what not.
That said, I believe a true marriage is a union. If you're living together in misery because of a marriage license or society's imposition, you don't have a real marriage anyway in my humble opinion. You've already drifted and Facebook didn't do it. And there is a lot of that everywhere you look.
i agree with Jimmyzatl
We all know facebook is not the problem. Even if you are married i dont think it is a problem when you are on facebook married people who have facebook are either using it to keep up with family or friends or both. if you are married and use it for other purposes then thats you.
what this pastor is saying sounsd like he is hiding something.
i use facebook to play the games and keep up with family that dont live close by..
i am also engaged and my fiance is on facebook too. but we dont use it for the purpose of looking for other people.
its the person who uses it not the site.
I think the pastor means well and he is responsible for the flock and getting truth to them. He just sees a temptation tunnel and he doesn't want them to go down that path.However, I am seperated from my husband and the fb thing was the last straw. He has a wondering eye and he is a liar and he decided to reconnect with his ex-wife. Soooooooo disrespectful. Fb is just a tool and if someone is going to betray you, they will do it no matter what. My husband put his ex-wife on his page, but I'm not on it but it's cool. He states he wants our marriage but I don't. I'm done! The fb issue is a choice and the pastor should warn them and not insist that they get off.
If married people are hooking up on Facebook or any other site then the marriage is or soon will be completely over. Don't blame Facebook or any other site because a marriage has problems. Websites can not cause any marriage to have problems. Two people are involved in a marriage and by the time someone is trying to hookup online the marriage is all but over anyway at least to one of them.
I understand the temptations, as reuniting with long lost friends and lovers can tap into pools of powerful unresolved emotions - but if your marriage is strong, you should be able to deal with these emotions and retain a sense of perspective.
I can see though that a marriage that was already on shaky footing might be pushed over by this sudden stress. I have to wonder though, if a person is ready to ditch an existing marriage for a past relationship, if that marriage wasn't already doomed.
What happened to personal responsibility. You can meet people everywhere. If your intent is to cheat or find a new mate you will do that on facebook or on your cellphone. Should we not use them as well? Facebook may have exposed these things but the sin lies in the heart not in the temptation. The pastor who sparked this debate had an affair at the church, should he stay away from it?
I think the problem lies with d individuals and not FB. Weather we believe it or not, old flames can only re-kindle if d persons involved are still interested in each other; besides, FB is not d only social network avalbl- there are several ways people can reconnect, rather, we should be concerned with preachin the truth to ourselves at evry point in time.
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